ansblob.. puddles of life within and beyond…

So many emotions but so little words..

Oh well, we will post another day..

It has been quite sometime since I have updated this blog and I have sorta forgotten about it until C recently mentioned..

Apparently C googled me and found it by chance.. I thought it was interesting to note that anyone would actually google my name..

Looking at my previous posts, alot has happened since.. I’m moving on, I’ve been working for almost 2 years already, Dan is getting married (today in fact!), Pink and Pam are getting married, I sang on stage for James’ wedding, I burnt myself with half mustard, Lenca’s in her 2nd relationship, I’ve been into 2 accidents, I bought myself my first car in Singapore, I’ve travelled to a few other countries, God has become much more of a reality, I’ve picked up smoking again, My works got published in 3 magazines, I won 2 design awards, I jumped into one wrong relationship, I’ve ridden to Laos and Cambodia, etc…

I was also just looking thru my mp3s and I found one of my fav Queen song; Pain is so close to Pleasure.. Here’s the lyrics:

Pain Is So Close To Pleasure

Ooh, ooh, pain is so close to pleasure, oh yeah,

Sunshine and rainy weather go hand in hand together all your life,

Ooh, Ooh, pain is so close to pleasure everbody knows,

One day we love each other then we’re fighting one another all the time,

When I was young and just getting started,

And people talked to me they sounded broken hearted,

Then I grew up and got my imagination

And all I wanted was to start a new releation,

So in love but love had a bad reaction,

I was looking for good old satisfaction,

But pain is all I got when all I needed was some love and affection,

Ooh, ooh, pain is so close to pleasure, yeah, yeah,

Sunshine and rainy weather go hand in hand together all your life,

Pain and pleasure, Ooh, Ooh, pain and pleasure,

When your plans go wrong and you turn out the light,

But inside your mind you have to put up a fight,

Where are the answers that we’re all searching for,

There’s nothing in this world to be sure of anymore,

But if you’re feeling happy someone else is always sad,

Let the sweetness on love wipe the tears from your facem

Ooh, ooh, pain is so close to pleasure, I told you so,

Sunshine and rainy weather go hand in hand together all your life,

Pain is so close to pleasure, yeah, yeah,

Sunshine and rainy weather go hand in hand together all your life,

All your life,

Pain - pleasure

Personally, I do not believe pain comes before pleasure but at this juncture in life, it’s more like pleasure is so close to pain.. My perception of pain being close to pleasure is as having sex after a heated arguement and this is one thing which not quite happening anytime soon for me. Thus, pleasure being so close to pain for me is more appropriate which better describes me: Ansley being led on to think that something (work, relationship, whatever) is working out fine until being dropped like a hot rivet once again.

I don’t know why I’m so defeated. I guess life has gotten the better of me. My smiles and laugher are no longer the genuine as before. I used to smile with my heart but now after the laughters, I see the frown within..

No, I’m not depressed. Alot of people will just say I’m going through my emo trip once again.. I don’t really know anymore, I’m hard wired this way I reckon. But hey, I don’t care what people say. Yes, it matters to me as I crave acceptance of others but my desire to be different is bigger than that craving!

Oh well, at least this part of me is still the same! =0)

The Show Must Go On Lyrics

Empty spaces - what are we living for?

Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..

On and on!

Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.

Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.

Hold the line!

Does anybody want to take it anymore?

The Show must go on!

The Show must go on!

Inside my heart is breaking,

My make-up may be flaking,

But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I’ll leave it all to chance.

Another heartache - another failed romance.

On and on!

Does anybody know what we are living for?

I guess i’m learning

I must be warmer now..

I’ll soon be turning round the corner now.

Outside the dawn is breaking,

But inside in the dark I’m aching to be free!

The Show must go on!

The Show must go on! Yeah!

Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!

My make-up may be flaking!

But my smile, still, stays on!

Yeah! oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,

Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,

I can fly, my friends!

The Show must go on! Yeah!

The Show must go on!

I’ll face it with a grin!

I’m never giving in!

On with the show!

I’ll top the bill!

I’ll overkill!

I have to find the will to carry on!

On with the,

On with the show!

The Show must go on.

I must grit my teeth and move on.. Even if means it’s a show..

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little lady
Sweet dreams, little lady
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer’s all tuckered out
Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little lady
Sweet dreams, little lady
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little lady
Sweet dreams, little lady
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Everybody needs a little time away I heard her say From each other Even lovers need a holiday Far away From each other Hold me now It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry I just want you to stay After all that we’ve been through I will make it up to you I promise to And after all that’s been said and done You’re just the part of me I can’t let go Couldn’t stand to be kept away Just for the day From your body Wouldn’t wanna be swept away Far away From the one that I love I just want you to know Hold me now I really want to tell you I’m sorry I could never let you go You’re gonna be the lucky one When we get there gonna jump in the air No one’ll see us ’cause there’s nobody there After all, you know we really don’t care Hold on, I’m gonna take you there

For these past two days, I have been indulging in sappy movies.. I watched Sweet November, The City of Glass and Notting Hill..

Frankly, I really shouldn’t watch shows like these for they bring me back to my moping self but how can I resist that little sweetness which helps me reminisce the former state of mind I was in..

Anyhow, as whenever one always feel he is already in the valley, there is no where else to go but up.. I finally got my uni transcript, my appointment for my braces and my new Coach mini skinny in the mail on Friday. Was at Zouk with Pinky, Dez, Jo and Kelvin on the Saturday night and had a picnic with Pinky and Stephen on Sunday..

It was quite an eventful weekend; something to take my mind off things.. for the moment..

Anyhow, here’s the lyrics to the title of this entry..

Sue Thompson

Sad Movies Always Make Me Cry

Sad Movies always make me cryyy.. Cryyy(Deep Voice)
Said he had to work so I went to the show alone
They turned down the lights and turned the projector on
And just as the news of the world started to begin
I saw my darling and my best friend walk in

So I was sitting where they didn’t see
And so they sat right down infront of me
And when he kissed her lips I almost died
and in the middle of the color cartoon I started to cry

OOO…….
Sad movies always make my cry
OOO…….
Sad movies always make me cry

And so i got up and slowly walked on home
My momma saw the tears and asked what’s wrong
And so to keep form telling her a lie
I just said sad movie always make me cry

OOO…….
Sad movies always make me cry
OOO…….
Sad movies always make me cry ryy……ryy…..!

Felt an irritation up the left nosril and low and behold, an albino strand of of my nasal filter element was sticking out.. Subsequently, it got yanked out because it was badging me too much..

Anyhow, I wonder what with me an random albino hair.. Must the all the chlorine I am producing..

They said we made a perfect pair

I clothed myself in your glory and your love

How I loved you,

How I cried…..

The years of care and loyalty

Were nothing but a sham it seems

The years belie we lived a lie

"I’ll love you ’til I die"

Save me Save me Save me

I can’t face this life alone

Save me Save me Oh…

I’m naked and I’m far from home

The slate will soon be clean

I’ll erase the memories,

To start again with somebody new

Was it all wasted

All that love?…..

I hang my head and I advertise

A soul for sale or rent

I have no heart, I’m cold inside

I have no real intent

Save me Save me Save me

I can’t face this life alone

Save me Save me Oh…

I’m naked and I’m far from home

Each night I cry, I still believe the lie

I’ll love you ’til I die 

Here I am once again at my computer talking to me..

There really isn’t much to life is there?

Work is there to occupy my mind in the day..

After work is the evening where there’s always a din at home..

Kids screaming..

Mom nagging..

Selfish sibling..

I really want out..

I want to face the sea with the breeze in my face..

To smell that salted wind in my face..

But alas, all I now smell is that cigarette smoke dancing in front of me..

All I see is the lights though the window in my room towards the world..

What happened to happiness?

What happened to joy?

What happened to love?

All gone.. All gone..

Lord, take me home..

It is close to my ORD.. In less than 3 weeks, I will get to see my pink identity card once again.. In a blink of an eye, 6 months has passed.. In a blink of the other eye, 5 years has passed.. It seems just like yesterday when I enlisted; I was the last to board the last bus to Police Academy, alone. The inital excitement of my folks fizzed out before they saw me in. I remember my then gf had school..

The torture of the minority being the majority still torments my mind. I now still have to conciously remind myself that Jesus died for them too. 6 months then also flew by; I passed out with noone by my side. I road home alone.

Things got better or so I thought. I was posted to the Ministry and just as I was struggling with the gatekeeper in the office, a monkey came on my back and off went my gf.

Yes, I withdrew into depression. Made another decision which was wrong. Scratched my p car. Got my awards and recognitions. And soon it was time to go; I got admitted into Uni before my time.

Arrived in bitter cold Canberra all alone. Met friends who stabbed me. Met someone really special. Had a time of my life. Came home for my first summer becos of my ticket..

Returned to canberra. Worked my arse out to save the little bit of money I had. Met up with really special at Tassie.. School was good; never had good grades in my life. I couldn’t ask for more.  And I had to make a fatal mistake afterwhich.

Really special was heartbroken. I want to kick my arse. I graduated with my folks and really special by my side. It was magical. I never had anyone by me before. But now, all that remains are memories and pictures of really special with me cropped off..

Came home to re-enlist. Was absorbed to where I am right now, Familiar faces with new work. I like my job. I love my job. I see the difference I am making. Soon, this will end. Soon, the allowance shall sieze. Soon, I will paid a salary for the first. But now without really special.

What starts now ends as the same; Alone.