ansblob.. puddles of life within and beyond…

Here I am once again at my computer talking to me..

There really isn’t much to life is there?

Work is there to occupy my mind in the day..

After work is the evening where there’s always a din at home..

Kids screaming..

Mom nagging..

Selfish sibling..

I really want out..

I want to face the sea with the breeze in my face..

To smell that salted wind in my face..

But alas, all I now smell is that cigarette smoke dancing in front of me..

All I see is the lights though the window in my room towards the world..

What happened to happiness?

What happened to joy?

What happened to love?

All gone.. All gone..

Lord, take me home..

It is close to my ORD.. In less than 3 weeks, I will get to see my pink identity card once again.. In a blink of an eye, 6 months has passed.. In a blink of the other eye, 5 years has passed.. It seems just like yesterday when I enlisted; I was the last to board the last bus to Police Academy, alone. The inital excitement of my folks fizzed out before they saw me in. I remember my then gf had school..

The torture of the minority being the majority still torments my mind. I now still have to conciously remind myself that Jesus died for them too. 6 months then also flew by; I passed out with noone by my side. I road home alone.

Things got better or so I thought. I was posted to the Ministry and just as I was struggling with the gatekeeper in the office, a monkey came on my back and off went my gf.

Yes, I withdrew into depression. Made another decision which was wrong. Scratched my p car. Got my awards and recognitions. And soon it was time to go; I got admitted into Uni before my time.

Arrived in bitter cold Canberra all alone. Met friends who stabbed me. Met someone really special. Had a time of my life. Came home for my first summer becos of my ticket..

Returned to canberra. Worked my arse out to save the little bit of money I had. Met up with really special at Tassie.. School was good; never had good grades in my life. I couldn’t ask for more.  And I had to make a fatal mistake afterwhich.

Really special was heartbroken. I want to kick my arse. I graduated with my folks and really special by my side. It was magical. I never had anyone by me before. But now, all that remains are memories and pictures of really special with me cropped off..

Came home to re-enlist. Was absorbed to where I am right now, Familiar faces with new work. I like my job. I love my job. I see the difference I am making. Soon, this will end. Soon, the allowance shall sieze. Soon, I will paid a salary for the first. But now without really special.

What starts now ends as the same; Alone.

It’s been 3 days since the ultimatum. Here I am facing the computer blogging once again.. I reckon I need to talk to someone about it but somehow don’t have anyone to.

Too often when I sit down and chill with anyone, I’ll end up sharing and advising the other party. So with that, here I am, all alone, having to bear the entire weight on my own. I have committed it to the Lord but it’s still difficult.

I do regard myself relatively successful. I have a career awaiting me when I ORD, I am doing well at my job, I am embarking well to being known and recognized at office. But somehow those are not enough. Am I looking I ask myself. Would there be someone else I ponder. It doesn’t seem so. Everything is a reminder; every bit a memory.

Maybe that saying is true. I guess so, it seems like I am missing something here.. Sigh.. 

Why is it whenever I ride my phantom, people are always playing on the roads?

Why is it whenever I ride my ninny, people are law abiding on the roads?

Bummer!